To find your true yourself

We all have had our own personality since we can remember ourselves. Like, we've always behaved according to rules, that out subconsciousness have been making since early childhood. And in the middle of our teenage years we've already been somebody subjective. We had our personality formed. We were certain if we like or dislike somebody or something. And we've been living through school years like that, searching for others to acknowledge who we are. But almost always disappointed. People always takes us for something we are not, actually. The only one who entirely knows you in the end is only you yourself. And so, years pass by and you grow up, thinking that despite the fact you got wiser or with deeper thoughts, you stay the same and as you call it "yourself". But have you ever had the feeling, that you are actually so different from who you were? Or more likely have you had the feeling that your thoughts are different from what you act out? Or maybe you act the same but you think so differently. Or, wait, it's like you've never been really the person you thought you were?

In other words there comes a time when you doubt everything you know about "being yourself" and wonder - how come you think you are somebody, but the others can't see that person? But don't get me wrong - admitting you are the person others think you are is not the correct answer either.

I've been thinking that maybe we are actually nobody and everybody in the same time. When we act as we please whenever it is - is this the meaning of "being yourself"? Acting according to the need of your body, emotions, intuition combined, overwhelming your mind. Is this yourself? In some words - yes, but isn't yourself the person you wanted to be when you still didn't know what kind of person you'll turn out to be? Let me use ages as a samples: You are 10. Who know why you like adventures books and movies so you imagine yourself being adventure type of person, who always hang around with the other guys forming a "pack" and doing crazy things whole summer but everyone knows you're actually the good guys who same the day. You turn 16 and have the need to show how adventurous you are and start smoking, drinking, chilling out with your gang, doing crazy stuff, spraying on walls, sneaking out of home to go meet some easy girls. You turn 18 and tell yourself this is not you and stop doing any more shit stuff. You go to collage, turn out to be smart, realize that you are a good guy. A nice guy, but as time goes by, no matter you are already in different surrounding, people take you for a crazy guy, for a "bad boy". And when you turn 20 you tell yourself "Ok, so in the end I'm not really a good guy as I thought I am" but think about that - what did you think you will be, when you were a kid? The adventurous cool guy who saves the day. Well, you can't be a superhiro, but think about what were your opinion about yourself when you were a kid. Think about what did you think of yourself before even knowing yourself.

So in the end, "yourself" is something you are expecting from you. Being yourself is not acting released from the leash, but acting according to certain rules you build over time. Sometimes you won't like your own rules, but maybe that's "being true to yourself" means. All of these thoughts were born while thinking of if I'm the same person I was when I was 15? When I was 18? When I was 21? And all I could think is that I acted according to how I feel about the surrounding. And maybe I shouldn't.

Being the one you want to be, or being something you feel like being. Very difficult to tell which is better, which is more "true to your nature". But what exactly are emotions? Aren't these chemical reactions to our brain, made to keep us as a society? But aren't those also the proof we are human? Very difficult to split feelings from the self and tell which is stronger for forming your true yourself. As time goes by I start  to think more about if going with the flow of your feelings is really the meaning of being yourself. But if so, that would mean that being true to yourself means acting as you please and setting your own feelings as a privilege. But wouldn't that then mean that to be true to yourself means being an egoist? It shouldn't mean that. Everyone of us had that kind of friend, who we loved, cared about but he for some reason let us down somehow and he excuses himself for "just being myself". But is that really was his real self, would we still love him? Unfortunately people like this can never understand that to be yourself shouldn't mean being an egoist and privileging your own emotions. These people are dangerous, because they haven't searched for their true self and are natural egoists. They won't even try to think how others think. They are someone in one moment and someone else in other time. And I'm not talking about just being mysterious, but talking about how you can never trust these people, because you don't know if they will get your back when you'll need them to or just leave you do things alone.

So day by day, I'll try to think even deeper of what I actually wanted to be and what are the ways of becoming myself. Will you too?